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Supermarket Scandal/Transcript
Farmer's Market, Green Family Farms stand (Episode title appears on an apple carton sign. Bill is setting up a food stand representing Green Family Farms.) Bill: Green Family Farms is officially open for business! I can't believe we're sellin' our goods at a real life Farmer's Market! Green Farms is a trusted name back home. It's a big day for your old man, Tilly -- a big day for all of us. Tilly: That's why I brought some extra help to work the stand. (shows Saxon) His name is Saxon. He has a keen business acumen and is well-respected within his community. (as Saxon) "I have a Master's Degree." Bill: Well, hi, Saxon. You can be in charge of bagging everything up! Tilly: Don't patronize him. Cricket: (runs over) DAD! Bill: Agh!! Cricket: Dad! I saw this guy eat a cinnamon dough stick. I think it was called a "churro". Can I get one? Bill: Sorry, son. We're here to make money, not spend it. Tell ya what -- maybe if we sell all these veggies, then you can have some churrios. Cricket: Well then, what are we doin' sitting around lollygaggin'?! (hops onto a soap crate) Come one, come all! We got the best produce in the Farmer's Market! (sees a blue teen man and his pink mother) Hey, you! You look a little on the short side. One of our special squashes will make ya taller! Blue teenage boy: Aww, come on, man! (pushes his mother away) Cricket: (at a green elderly woman) With one taste of our cabbage, you could be cured of any illness! (at a green man) And you! Behold, the Apple of Enlightenment! When eaten, it grants the user psychic powers! Green man: Psychic powers?! I'll take ten! (He gets his money ready, but Bill takes the apple away.) Cricket: What the?! Bill: (fake coughs) Sorry. (chuckles) Boy is exaggeratin'. All we can offer is a darn-good apple. Green man: I just wanted to be psychic... (stomps off) Cricket: Way to go Dad, that rube was gonna buy it! Bill: Cricket, for the last time, they're not rubes, they're customers! Cricket: How do you expect to sell products without "pizzazz"? Bill: In my opinion, the world could do with a little less "pizzazz". (Snapping is heard; pulls back to reveal an earthy dressed salmon businessman with blonde hair with darker highlights and a goatee, and has shades on his head and an earpiece. He is repeatedly snapping his fingers at Bill.) Businessman: Hey! Buddy! Guy! Buddy! Hey, are these crops organic? Bill: You're askin' if my crops are grown the way nature intended, then yes! Businessman: Ha-ha, yeah! The simple farmer bit, that is...grrrreat! (chuckles; looks at Cricket and Tilly) You even dressed your kids in rags to complete the picture. (He takes their picture, blinding them.) Tilly: Ugh! Cricket: Ahh!! I can't see nuthin'! Businessman: Chip Whistler. (shakes Bill's hand) I'm the manager of the local Wholesome Foods grocery store and I am uhhhhh... (looks at Bill's severed finger; pulls hand away and fake coughs) Well, we had a problem with our organic shipment, I need an alternate supplier for the week. There is...uh, big money in it. Cricket: (grins) Ooooh! Businessman (Chip): (elbowing Bill) Chumps'll pay twice as much for organic whatever, am I right? Bill: (chuckles nervously) Yeah... (sighs) I also like good food. Cricket: (walks over) And we've got plenty of it, Chip. (shaking his hand) Hi, Cricket Green, vegetable specialist. Chip: Very cool. So, we need twenty bushels of assorted produce. Are you -- my -- guy? (hands Bill the list) Bill: Wow!...Oh, uh...I'm sorry to tell you this, Chip, but...I don't have enough to fill the order. I'm gonna have to respectfully decline. (hands the list back) Cricket: Whaaaaaaaa? Chip: Your loss, trucker hat. Have a nice life. (leaves) Cricket: Wait! Come back! I -- Tilly: He's gone. Cricket: Dad, why'd you pass on that deal? I thought we were here to make some money. Bill: We are! But a good businessman never promises more than he can deliver. There's just no way we could've filled that order. Cricket: (eyes widen with an idea; smugly) Or is there...a way...to fill that order? Bill: What'd ya say? Cricket: Nuthin'! (chuckles) Wholesome Foods stand Chip: (smells a zucchini) Nah. (tosses it) Cricket: (runs over) Uh, sir? Chip: Aaagh!! No handouts today, street urchin! Oh, wait...you're that farmer's kid. Cricket: (chuckles) Yeah. When my dad said we couldn't make the orders, see, he was drivin' one of them hard bargains. Of course we can come up with enough produce...what kind of farmers would we be if we couldn't? Chip: Bad ones? I don't know. I don't know anything about farming. (kneels down and shakes his hand) But you have got a deal, little guy! (hands him the list) Here's your list, give this to your old man, I'll be back in an hour with a truck to pick everything up. Bye-bye! (leaves) Cricket: Pleasure doin' business with ya! Tilly: (appears behind him) Papa ain't gonna like this. Cricket: Ack! Tilly! Tilly: He didn't wanna do the deal. Don't make me a whistle blower. Cricket: Dad doesn't know what he's doin'. He said he wants to sell his produce and make some money, and that's exactly what we're gonna do for him. I'm tryin' to put Green Family Farms on the map. Tilly: Hmm...I'd like to consult Saxon, my financial advisor. (as Saxon) "Makes dollars and cents to me." (normal) A'right, we're on board! But how do you plan on fillin' the order? Cricket: Tilly, a great businessman always says yes and figures out the rest later! Greens' House, backyard (The backyard is loaded with buckets, half filled with vegetables and fruits.) Cricket: Well, Dad wasn't lyin' -- we really do only have enough to fill half the order. Tilly: What are we gonna do now, Cricket? Cricket: (looks at Phoenix who drops a tennis ball from her mouth; holds it) Now we get creative. (Montage: Tilly opens a toolbox full of art supplies and gets a paintbrush and magic 8 ball. Cricket nails a nail into it and dips it in red paint, disguising it as an apple, and adds it to a bag of several others. He takes a leg off a chair and Tilly paints it and a few others orange, making them look like carrots and they are added to a bucket. Tilly crumbles up a newspaper into a ball and Tilly spraypaints it green to make it look like a head of cabbage; he adds that to a bucket. Soon all the buckets are full with several artificial fruits among the actual ones.) Cricket: Well, Tilly, we did it. Let's go fill that order! Farmer's Market, Green Family Farms stand (Bill is waiting boredly; a man comes by.) Orange man: Hmm? Bill: Hee-hee! (the man leaves) Ugh. Cricket: (watching from behind a tent; sighs) Poor guy. Tilly, I need you to go get Dad away from the stand. Tilly: (walks up to Bill) Hi, Papa! Would you come see the balloon man with me? Bill: You're a big girl, honey. I think you can manage. Tilly: I suppose so. I am gettin' older, more independent...who knows how much more quality time we have left together? (Pause; Bill turns the sign around to "Back in 5 mins".) Bill: I suppose five minutes can't hurt none? (Once they are out of sight, Cricket drives on an ATV carrying the buckets with the fake fruit in them. He empties all the fruits into them.) Cricket: Lookin' good. Ooh! Except for that. Chip: (appears behind him) Hey! There he is! Cricket: Huh? Oh! Chip! My man! Chip: Whoa! Green Family Farms is not messin' around! Cricket: That's right, and it's all above board -- a hundred percent delicious. (to himself) Not a single tennis ball in the bunch. Chip: Tennis ball in the bunch? Ha! I love your folksy country sayings. Well, the deal's a deal. (gets a wad of cash from his pocket) Here's a little scratch for your batch. Cricket: (takes the cash; entranced) Oh, it was a pleasure doin' business with ya, sir... Chip: Don't go spendin' that all on one place now, unless it's at Wholesome Foods. Then spend away, baby! (walks away) Balloon Mime booth (A mime is making a balloon animal for Tilly.) Tilly: Balloon mime! Balloon mime! (He finishes; it is a dog.) Tilly: That's nice, but Saxon wanted a snake. (The mime annoyingly stretches and undoes all the balloons, leaving a single red one.) Tilly: Oh, my gosh. He's perfect. (The mime twiddles his fingers as if asking for a tip.) Bill: Oh boy... (chuckles) I'm a little short. (takes out an apple) Would ya accept an apple? (The mime takes the apple and eats it. Suddenly...) Mime: My word! This is the best thing I have ever tasted! Red boy: Hey, everyone! That man's apple is so good, it made the balloon mime break his ten-year vow of silence! (The customers gasp and chatter in astonishment and gather round Bill.) Bill: Uh...of course! Green Family Farms stand Bill: (leading them) All right, everybody, dig in! (The whole display is empty.) Bill: Empty?! Why is it empty?!? Cricket: We sold outta everything, Dad! (The customers mutter sadly and leave.) Cricket: (shows the money) Dad! Look at this fat wad of cash I made! Green Family Farms is a success! You're welcome... Bill: Cricket, there's no way we coulda sold out in five minutes. What did you do? Cricket: Turns out we needed to broaded our definition of "acceptable quality". Tilly: We made fake food! I painted tennis balls to look like peaches. (Zoom in on a rather petrified Bill, who pants and gasps.) Cricket: And chair legs as carrots... Tilly: And newspaper as lettuce... Cricket: Oh yeah, that's great. Bill: KIDS! Whaddya think will happen when people eat your fake food?! Cricket: Uh...gee Dad, I don't know. You really think ten steps ahead. Bill: At most, that's like two! I need you to think about this... (Everything around Cricket fades to red; he sees customers eating the fake food and choking on them and fainting.) Bill (VO): Folks are gonna eat that fake food, and they're gonna be mad. (They get chased by an angry mob with toarches and pitchforks.) Bill (VO): The reputation of Green Family Farms will be ruined! (The Farmer's Market sign is burnt.) Bill (VO): We'll never be able to sell produce in the city again! (They are surrounded and pelted by the fake food.) Bill (VO): And then who knows what'll happen?!? Cricket: NOOOOOOOOOOO -- (Zoom in through Cricket's mouth; fantasy ends.) Cricket: --OOOOOOOO!!!!!! I-I can fix this...I can fix this!! Follow me! Wholesome Foods, interior (They wheel a cart into the store.) Cricket: Careful. Let's not draw any attention to ourselves. Chip (OS): Uh-oh! Look over there, everybody! (shows him; amplified) It's...the Greens! Yes, they're responsible for all the fruit and vegetables in this store today! Let's give 'em a hand! (The customers applaud.) Orange male customer: Cool! The farmers that made the fruit!'' Chip: Let's hear it for the humble farmer himself! (off mic) I'll leave these rubes to you, buddy. (gives him the mic and leaves) Bill: Uh... Cricket: Dad, you gotta distract the crowd. Give 'em a little pizzazz while Tilly and I go get the fake fruit! (wheels the cart away) (Silence; one man coughs.) Bill: (on mic) Oh boy... (inhales) Now who wants to learn about apples?!? (Cricket wheels the cart through an aisle until he comes to a display for their brand.) Cricket: Come on, come on, where are you? (finds a baseball disguised as an apple) Gotcha! Tilly: (runs down an aisle) Hmm... (gasps ''(She jumps in a barrel of apples and rummages until she gets an 8 ball apple.) Tilly: Found one! (In the vegetable department, Cricket tosses carrots aside until he gets a chair leg carrot; he is sprayed by the moistener.) Cricket: Ack! Man! (A woman gets a box of Num Numz cereal from a shelf; Tilly is behind it.) Blue woman: (gasps) Tilly: (stagey) Ow, my knee. (She falls into the cart and tosses out several bouncy ball apples; Cricket is holding some near a display and throwing them on the floor. One splats.) Cricket: Real. (another splat) Real. (the last bounces away; a tennis ball apple) Fake! (They put all the fake fruit in the cart.) Cricket: Okay, I think that's everything. (looks back) Wha? (An 8 ball apple is in the cart of an old man.) Cricket: There's still one left! Purple senior man: Do-do-do-do-do... (Cricket and Tilly step before him) Huh? Cricket: Stop right there! Purple senior man: (raising hands) I don't want any trouble! Cricket: (takes the fake fruit) Thank you! (Bill is still distracting the crowd.) Bill: And don't get me started on the fertilizer! Cricket: (wheels the cart by) Come on, Dad! Let's go! Bill: Oh, thank goodness. (drops mic; leaves) Comin'! (The passengers groan.) Cricket: WE'RE HOME FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (At the register, the cashier rings up the fake fruit and presents the amount, which Bill and Cricket shudder over.) Cashier: Here's your total. Cricket: Ohhhh... Bill: Yikes, the markup here is incredible. Cricket: (holds the money Chip gave him) I'll never forget you, wad of cash. (kisses it; hands it to the cashier) Exterior (They leave the store, Cricket sulking.) Cricket: Phew! That was close. Dad, I'm sorry I risked our reputation to make a quick buck. I tried to take a shortcut, but I ended up gettin' lost. Bill: Aw, don't beat yourself up, Cricket. The family'll bounce back. And actually, I admire your razzle-dazzle salesmanship. As long as it's honest. Wish I had some myself. Tilly: (pops out of the cart) Maybe , with Cricket's showmanship, and Papa's honesty combined, you make one perfect salesman. Bill: Heh, maybe you're right, Tilly. Too bad we can't sell this fake produce. Cricket: (eyes widen, smugly) Or could we...sell...the fake produce? Farmer's Market, Green Family Farms stand Cricket: (standing on a soap crate) Fake produce! Get your fake produce here! Wanna make the impression that 'cha eat healthy, but 'cha don't wanna follow through? Then buy our fake fruits and veggies, they're the best! Bill: We hope! Cricket: (elbows him) Eh? Bill: Okay, okay. They're the best. Tilly: (walks by with fruits on her head) The possibilities are endless! Purple Muslim woman: I'll take two, please! Red man: Hey, I'll buy some! So creative! Cricket, Bill: (chuckle excitedly) Chip (OS): There you guys are! (pushes two customers away) Whoa-ho, look at this. Your stuff is flying off the shelf smack of the store, and I gotta taste (takes an 8 ball apple) what all the fuss is about! Cricket: No, don't eat that! It's fake!! Chip: Oh, you humble farmers...learn to take a complement! (He bites it, then feels something weird; in close-up, one tooth splits its way upward.) Chip: Ahhhhh...?! (the tooth falls out, leaving a gap) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Bill: Holy moly. Chip: (whistling as he talks) I could not believe this! Okay?!! Look what your awful food did to my perfect face! Okay?!!? I'm gonna get you for this, Greens, or my name isn't Chip Whistler! (stomps off) Tilly: (as Saxon) "Chip? Now his name fits his mouth!" (Everyone laughs.) Cricket: Yes, that's pretty funny! Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:S Category:A-Z